This blog post was co-written by Nateya Taylor and Wisdom Baker as part of a collaboration between their two brands: Naesthetycs and A Word By Wisdom. Be sure to follow @awordbywisdom on Instagram, subscribe to their YouTube channel, and read their blog!
If we were to go back and run down my history of “types,” we might find a lot of things to be entertained by. Sometimes, I was drawn to the class clown. Other times it was the really serious guy who seemed way beyond our years. As I got older, it became the sweet hearted gentleman, and now, a new personal favorite, the really self-aware guys with a pinch of everything mentioned above. Don’t take me wrong, I’ve only ever dated two people. . . but as you can tell, there aren't so many matters that I have a completely closed mind about. Race, however, is one of those things.
In relationships, and with everything else in my life, I’m most driven by big picture principles. He could be Black, white, yellow, blue, or purple, but if he doesn’t share my concrete love for Blackness, I’ve really got to pass on ‘em. Historically, many other Black women have felt the same way. Black women are the least likely to ever get married compared to other races of women and are especially unlikely to get married outside of their own race. On the other hand, Black men are twice as likely than Black women to intermarry. This is not surprising to me knowing the preferences and desires for non-Black partners Black men go out of their way to share with us when we never ask. When I peep a Black man with a non-Black partner, I always mind my business, but part of me also folds my arms like Dr. Umar Johnson and say to myself, “I beg your pardon?”
“I beg your pardon?!”
It’s rare that you hear a Black woman say that non-Black men are her preference while at the same time degrading Black men in the process. Rarely do we see Black women praising white men for their appearance, features, and traits, putting them above other races of men, especially their own. Yet, we repeatedly see Black men openly share their colorist and misogynistic beliefs through social media, song lyrics, and even through characters on television. However, knowing all of this still does not change my desire to only date Black men.
No, it doesn’t come from a place of ignorance or hate for anyone, but much more the opposite; Love and hope for the cultural continuation of my people. I love Black families, Black legacy, Black culture, and when I’m early morning pillow talking with future Bae, I want us to be able to at least have certain goals in common. I envision us talking about forcing our kids to attend Howard and buying each other gifts from Black owned businesses since that’s all we’d purchase.
Because of the time that I’m taking to become conscious about my Blackness and develop this deep rooted love for my heritage, I’d be absolutely playing myself if I thought that my getting into any relationship, Black or interracial, that doesn’t reflect these values would be fulfilling for me.
I don’t care how other groups decide to intermarry with each other, but the Black community, I care. Interracial relationships play a role in the divide of our community. Some of us “don’t see” color, while others of us do. Many of us think that unity is when Black people and non-Black people come together to live happily ever after. Others of us think that unity is when Black people can unite enough to be completely independent of non-Black people. There is division around what makes a Black collective unified, and it’s hard to say that one belief is more correct than the other.
But no matter how the Black community is unified, Black women still deserve better. We cannot be the only ones who are loyal to unifying our community. What do we gain if we continue to limit our dating to Black men and prioritize them when they can’t commit to keep the same energy and prioritize us? Black women continue to choose and protect Black men through colorism, misogynoir, and preferences, but at what point are Black women allowed to choose themselves? I’m not advocating for Black women to not pursue Black men all together. I’m advocating for Black women to keep their options open.
Unfortunately, this does create a further divide in the Black community. It leads to the erasure of the Black community and expansion of the multiracial community. As much as I would like to say Black people should come together to prevent this, it’s hard to wait for Black men to get on board when Black women have been on board.
The side you take is the side you take, and genuinely, if you love it, I love it for you even more. I don’t believe in the slightest that it’s my responsibility to tell you how, who, or what to love and I wouldn’t ever dare do such a thing. I’m a lover of all healthy love.
The only thing that I’d ever ask, is that you never lose hope or forget that your relationships with other people are indeed meaningful. They make a statement, and it’s not an impossible case for you to be with someone who doesn’t require you to be any less than yourself. Continue to learn who you are and where you come from. Lastly, don’t feel bad for standing on your big picture principles. I personally don’t want to be with a non-Black partner; I prefer Black love and could not imagine myself with anyone who is not Black. I will continue to prioritize and pursue Black love; however, the struggle for Black love is not a hill worth dying on for Black women. Black women, keep your options open.